Healing Your Heart: It takes time – let your memories guide you

Today is Saturday, July 2, 2022.

It is a bittersweet day because this is also my mother, Miss Nellie’s birthday.

She was born on this day in 1930. Angels came to collect her in September of 2020, almost two months to the day of marking her 90th birthday.

Mrs. Nellie Pearl Yarbough

Nellie P. Yarbough July 2, 1930 – September 1, 2020 – Obituary

Heavenly Happy Birthday

Before losing my mother, I would hear and see others across social media make mention of a ‘heavenly birthday’ and honestly, I didn’t give it much thought.

Of course I extended my condolences, but there was little emotional connection to what others were thinking or feeling. I get it now.

I suspect any of you who have been caregivers to a loved one who is no longer with us also ‘get it.’

I want to share with others, who might not quite be at this point how and why considering a heavenly birthday can be quite good for your soul.

1. Reflection

In years past, the approach of my mom’s birthday meant I was thinking of ways to make the day special for her. And I admit it sometimes felt burdensome trying to plan memorable moments.

Now that I have that 20/20 hindsight, I am so glad I made the effort year after year. I can look back now and those memories bring a smile to my face – Sometimes a few tears as well.

2. Finding peace

When I allow myself the time and space to actively and purposefully think about my mother, I can find moments of peace. Especially on this day.

It is in the memories of so many birthday celebrations that I can forget about the difficulties we faced in the final years of her life.

The ravages of time and age took a toll on her body and spirit. The work to care for her took a toll on me – emotionally and physically.

But when I recall the birthday moments, that peace washes over me. I think about the moments when my mother felt joy.

I think about our fun trips to destinations including:

  • New York City for Broadway shows and fireworks

  • Washington, D.C. to see the all the famous monuments

  • Driving to Key West for a day of exploration

  • Hosting a dinner with family and friends at one of our favorite South Florida restaurants… and so many more.

3. Size doesn’t matter

My mother would always say she didn’t want anything special or any fuss. That was a ruse.

Myself and my siblings always knew, that if we didn’t do ‘something’ to mark this special day, it would be ‘Hell on Earth’ in our household.

By the time we reached what we all suspected (and I think my mother knew) would be her final birthday, the focus was no longer on large gatherings or ‘doing’ something.

It was about ‘being’ together. And that’s exactly what we did. Miss Nellie spent her final year living in a care facility. I visited most every day until Covid-19 prevented inside visits.

I continued to go daily, so we could see each other through doorways and windows.

For her birthday, 2020, I scheduled a doctors appointment. It was my ploy to take her out and spend time together.

Our final celebration was in my car, sitting in a park. We ordered hamburgers and fries from McDonald’s, I packed slices of cheesecake (along with b-day candles), had a small balloon, and placed a birthday tiara on her head.

In advance, I had asked friends and family to record birthday messages for Miss Nellie. When I played that video segment she cried like a baby. I cried, too. It was as if somehow, we both knew – this would likely be the final celebration.

Happy Heavenly Birthday, mom. I don’t think I cried on your birthday last year. I am not able to say the same today.

You are loved and you are missed.

*Do you have a loved one you are remembering, honoring and missing? KIRC would love to share your memories and reflections with others. Drop a name, a fond memory and even a short story in the discussion. I believe we all draw strength from each other*

Keeping It REAL Caregiving Private Coffee Chat – Holiday Version

This 4th of July, Keeping It REAL Caregiving would like to invite you to consider marking 2022 INDEPENDENCE DAY by joining us for a brief Holiday Edition of our Coffee Chat for Supporting Sponsors.

When: Monday, July 4, 2022

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KIRC is heading into its second year, and the time is NOW to actively dig out information, stories, resources and ways for all of us to connect and drive change.

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Until next time~

Julia